im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
