Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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