my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
you made out with another girl for some wings
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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