How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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