pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
