I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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