he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
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so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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