remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
