You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
