Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
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How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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