she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
