I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
