a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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