Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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