we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
