I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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