you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
