Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
