I will die if light touches me.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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