I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Randomize
