Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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