help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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