He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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