What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
