I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
