My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
