I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
