My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
