Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
