I faked an abortion last night.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
