Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
