So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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