I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
