a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
