Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
