I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
