I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
