dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
