I'm going to jail i love you
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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