Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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