Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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