i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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