I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
