so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
