You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
