Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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