I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
