had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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