Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
