her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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