so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
