I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
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