I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
