where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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