Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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