is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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