I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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