One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
