I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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